


Blind Pain

by tsukist



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beds, Boyfriends, Boys' Love, Canonical Character Death, Comfort, Crying, Early Mornings, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Post-Naruto Time Skip | Naruto Shippuden, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukist/pseuds/tsukist
Summary: Kakashi becomes concerned after not seeing or hearing from Naruto after Jiraiya's funeral. He attempts to coax him out of the house, not realizing the extent of the trauma Naruto experienced and the resulting self-destruction that followed. It takes all of his affection just to get a word of response, but he won't give up on the one he loves.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 16
Kudos: 157





	1. Uninvited Guest

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This short is largely about the state of Naruto's mental health after the death of someone close to him and very lightly implies instances of starvation and intentional sleep deprivation.

He mindlessly removed the white lid from the transparent orange bottle and shook two small white pills into the palm of his hand, tracing the laser-cut P’s with the pad of his thumb before placing them on his tongue. The chalky, stale taste made his eyes water, even after washing them down with a sip of tea.

When he glanced at himself in the vanity mirror, his reflection glared back, his eyes distant and lacking any indication of life. There was a constant emptiness that resided within him; a void that could not be filled with training or ramen or even medication. It tediously scraped away at the walls of his mind and formed a shield around his heart. It absorbed every quiet moment of peaceful contemplation and spit out vicious thoughts that contaminated his head. It held complete control over every aspect of his life; he was simply a vessel for an intangible and destructive illness.

He dumped the lukewarm remains of his morning tea into the sink and rinsed it away with a burst of cold water. After dropping off his mug on the kitchen counter, which was already piled high with week-old dishes, he retreated to his small bedroom where he would inevitably be sucked into a destructive train of thought, its furnace fueled by his self-hatred and existential thoughts. He knew that eventually, the medication would extinguish the flames, and his racing mind would come to a halt in its tracks. Until then, he would lay on his back on top of the white duvet and stare at the white ceiling.

He used to enjoy living by himself; he could stay up late and sleep in, and eat whatever he wanted when he wanted it. But, he couldn’t sleep in when he couldn’t fall asleep in the first place, and he couldn’t eat ramen every day when he didn’t have an appetite. After everything that had happened, being alone simply entailed nothing more than loneliness. He didn’t mind that, despite their concern, the others were leaving him alone—but at the same time, he found loneliness to be an unbearable feeling.

Suddenly, his cell vibrated, but it was muffled by his bedding. He fumbled around the bed and retrieved it from its resting place next to his pillow. The ceiling fell out of focus as he opened Kakashi’s text. 

_9:06 AM: Morning. You awake?_

His heart skipped a beat and he almost felt giddy, which he couldn’t help noticing after feeling nothing for so long. For only a moment, he didn’t feel so excluded from the rest of the world.

_Yeah._

Instead of simply texting back, Kakashi called him. The spark of excitement growing within him withered as quickly as it bloomed and suddenly he felt irritable. Speaking required an amount of effort that he felt went beyond his current capability. He let it ring four times before answering.

“What?”

“Wanna get breakfast? My treat.”

“Kakashi-sensei,” he sighed, hoping to get his thoughts across without saying them out loud. Kakashi remained quiet, patiently waiting for him to continue. “I’m not really in the mood.” 

“Since when have you not been in the mood to eat?”

“Since he died.”

The line fell silent. Naruto awaited Kakashi’s reply, but he momentarily was at a loss for words; even if he already knew the answer he’d receive, actually hearing it confirmed what he feared most.

“Just come out for breakfast, okay?”

“I just told you–” Loud knocking on the front door interrupted him. “Hold on. Someone’s at the door.”

It was probably Tsunade, ready to lecture him for abandoning his duties when in truth she was just as heartbroken as him. Perhaps she wanted him to stop taking the medication she had given him since it was nothing more than a short-term solution to a permanent problem. He knew that he would have to wean off of it eventually anyway.

With the phone still pressed to his ear, he slowly rolled off the bed. His aching body felt heavy. Before leaving the comfort of his room, he glanced at his reflection in the small mirror on his dresser; his blonde hair was untamed and his clothing wrinkled, but he didn’t care. Through the phone, Kakashi began listing all of the places they could go for breakfast as he began his short walk down the hall to the foyer. He ignored the voice on the other end, of course. When he reached the front door and wrapped his hand around the knob, he took a deep breath.

“I’m at the door,” he announced into the phone, a quiet sigh escaping him as he realized their conversation wasn’t over. “I’ll call you back.”

“Sure.”

He hung up and set his phone on the side table next to the door. Although he didn’t have the energy to bicker, he knew that Tsunade wouldn’t stay long, whatever it was she wanted. He twisted the knob and pulled the heavy door open as quickly as he could, like ripping off a bandage. The morning sunlight peeking over the distant Hokage Rock flooded his apartment with gentle warmth and the sounds of the bustling street below momentarily distracted him from his racing thoughts. Before he could shade his eyes and step out onto the landing to search for Tsunade, a tall figure stepped out from his hiding place and blocked the doorway, casting a long shadow over him and down the hallway behind him.

“Mind if I come in?”

He wasn’t surprised to see Kakashi standing on his doorstep; he should’ve known the moment he heard the knock. Kakashi slid his phone into his trouser pocket and stepped inside, the fresh morning air trickling in behind him until the boy shut the door, returning the atmosphere of his apartment to its dark, air-tight, bubble-like state. 

“Yo,” Kakashi greeted him, instinctively pulling down his mask for a good-morning-kiss, which he didn’t receive. Naruto looked like he hadn’t slept in several days, and he was much thinner than he had been the last time they saw each other, which was at the funeral. Despite his growing concern, he knew how important it was to keep his thoughts to himself.

“What are you doing here?” Naruto mumbled. His head hung low as he stared blankly at the floorboards beneath his bare feet. 

“I just got back from a small mission, so I thought I’d drop by,” Kakashi explained. He wanted to reach out and tousle Naruto’s hair, or kiss his forehead; anything to elicit a response that exceeded apathy. “How have you been doing?”

Naruto dug his toes into the wooden flooring until his knuckles turned white from the strain. His hands clenched into fists so tightly that his nails threatened to pierce the skin of his palms. His heart ached and his head spun. He bit his tongue to keep himself from being honest because sometimes a lie is more preferable than the truth.

“I’m fine.”

A loud silence formed between them. In a way, it was hurtful to Kakashi that Naruto would lie so blatantly about his own feelings. 

“Let’s go to Ichiraku.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“We’ll get coffee, then.”

Naruto became unresponsive, so Kakashi took a hesitant step towards him. When Naruto didn’t back away or visibly tense, he took it as a sign that his touch would be accepted, if not welcomed. He slipped one arm around Naruto’s waist and the other around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight embrace. Naruto’s body instinctively curved into his as Kakashi spread his big hands across his back to hold him closer and keep him in place. The boy rested his forehead against Kakashi’s, but he couldn’t keep himself from closing his eyes. It helped to numb the guilt he felt when the person he loved gazed at him with such deep and undisguised sadness in his dark eyes.

When he felt Kakashi’s bare lips press against his, he reciprocated. The kiss was only intended to be a chaste peck, but Naruto wrapped his arms around the other’s neck to savour it for a few moments longer. Kakashi’s lips wandered to the corner of the boy’s mouth, then down to the sensitive skin of his neck—Naruto’s favourite place to be kissed. As he pulled away, Naruto found himself staring at Kakashi’s lips, trying to embed into his mind the feeling of his gentle kisses. It was the first pleasant thing he’d felt since that day. 

“Let’s get coffee.”

“I have a coffee maker.”

“Don’t you wanna spend time with sensei, just the two of us?” Kakashi playfully smiled and nudged his forehead against Naruto’s, but Naruto continued to stare at him, his once bright eyes dim and distant. “It’ll be like…like a date! You always say that we never do that sort of stuff, right?”

Naruto’s mind felt fuzzy from the medication and the sudden rush of emotion that accompanied the much-needed attention, concern, and love he was receiving all at once. He laid his head on Kakashi’s chest and remained quiet, inhaling his familiar scent and listening to his steady heartbeat. In return, Kakashi smoothed his wild tufts of hair with one hand and rubbed his back in slow, circular motions with the other. The feeling of Kakashi’s long fingers weaving through his hair and his palm massaging into his back was enough to make Naruto feel sleepy—a pleasant feeling that seemed foreign after a week of insomnia.

“So, how about it?”

“I don’t want coffee,” Naruto whispered, stifling a deep yawn. He closed his eyes and nuzzled his cheek into the soft padding of Kakashi’s Jounin vest. “Or ramen.”

“I’m not leaving until you agree to come with me.”

“Why are you being so stubborn? Take Sakura…or Guy-sensei.”

“I want to take _you._ I want _your_ company,” Kakashi insisted. It was unlike him to cater to Naruto’s unconscious need for validation, but he feared that by not doing so, he would be allowing Naruto to slip through his fingers and out of his reach. He held him a little tighter because letting go would mean giving up. “Getting out of the house will make you feel better.”

“Nothing will make me feel better.”

“Taking care of yourself is a start.”

As if on cue, Naruto’s empty stomach loudly growled, instantly invalidating any reason he could have given to not go out. A defeated sigh escaped his lips, like a white flag of surrender. He slowly pulled from Kakashi’s embrace and straightened himself. He was suddenly aware of the aches and pains that came with sleeplessness and starvation, as if Kakashi’s touch was just enough to numb the harm he’d caused to himself. Naruto turned around and walked to his bedroom with Kakashi following behind, the latter watching from just outside the door as Naruto sifted through the clothing in his closet. He pulled a pair of khaki shorts and a black shirt from the rack—although it wasn’t his tracksuit, it was progress, and that filled Kakashi with a sense of relief.

When Naruto finished dressing and left his bedroom behind, it was a bittersweet feeling. He found Kakashi patiently waiting for him in the hallway, his hands resting in his trouser pockets and his posture casual yet elegant. He smiled contentedly when their eyes met as if he was pleased with something Naruto had done. The morning sunlight coming over the Hokage Rock was bitter and cold compared to that beautiful, warm smile. Naruto felt overwhelmed by his love for the man who stood before him; his teacher, lover, and closest friend. He no sooner found himself wrapping his trembling arms around Kakashi’s waist, looking up at him in wonder. Kakashi affectionately stroked his cheek as he leaned in for a well-deserved kiss.

“Well then…shall we go, Naruto?”


	2. Unspoken Appreciation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their "date", they return to Naruto's apartment. Shortly after having sex, Kakashi falls asleep while Naruto remains wide awake. Naruto tries to keep himself distracted while he waits for Kakashi to wake up, but his mind and heart are overflowing with emotions that he so desperately wants to keep to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been sitting on this fic for a very long time and I finally decided to add the second chapter, which I didn't post initially because it was written at a different date and has a less depressing/slightly more descriptive writing style lol. But, I realized that the second half will make for a more satisfying ending! And I really like the second half, so I hope you do too!

It was 11 am and Kakashi was already fast asleep. His face was shiny with sweat and his naked body was radiating heat like a furnace. His clothing was strewn about the floor; his tight shirt and trousers were in a pile next to his sandals, which were on top of each other—after returning from Ichiraku, he’d been in too much of a hurry to get Naruto’s shorts off to worry about whether or not their clothes made it into the laundry basket. Naruto, who had been watching him sleep, brushed away the stray strands of hair sticking to his forehead. Kakashi stirred, but didn’t wake. 

The boy slipped out of bed and retrieved a fresh pair of boxers from his closet before gathering their belongings. After putting his clothes in the hamper, he promptly folded Kakashi’s trousers and vest, but his long-sleeve was too hard to resist. He glanced at Kakashi, who was still asleep, then pulled it over his head. He slid his arms into the sleeves, the thin fabric smooth and cool to the touch, and when he lifted the collar to his face and inhaled, the combined scent of Kakashi’s cologne and aftershave made him dizzy.

He climbed back onto the bed and sat up next to Kakashi with his knees hugged tightly to his chest. It felt like he was guarding the older man, who looked oddly vulnerable in his curled up sleeping position. Naruto stared down at his peaceful face, silently willing him to wake up, but at the same time, wishing for him to sleep for as long as he’d like. It was the first time they’d done it in a while, and it took a lot out of both of them. Naruto’s sleep-deprived, starved body didn’t take too kindly to it after being dormant for so long, but he didn’t mind the pain in his hips and the ache in his rear. He only wished that he too could fall back asleep.

Sighing, he tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. The tiny peaks and shallow valleys in the white stucco vaguely reminded him of Mount Myoboku, which reminded him of Shima and Fukasaku. The texture slowly blurred and fell out of focus as tears began to well up in his tired eyes. He buried his face in the neck of Kakashi’s shirt and rested his forehead on his knees, but the tears only began to fall faster. 

Despite his initial resistance, Naruto had unconsciously hoped that spending time with Kakashi would distract him, and maybe even dull the pain of living another day. He began to think that he was naive for believing something so selfish, and furthermore, for putting the pressure on Kakashi to be his shoulder to cry on. At the same time, he couldn’t just hold everything back. He couldn’t bottle up the pain of losing someone he thought he’d never have to say goodbye to. He couldn’t pretend that his life wasn't already falling apart at the seams just a week after Jiraiya left him behind to pick up the pieces. He couldn’t put on a facade of strength when, for the first time in as long as he could remember, his awareness of his own weaknesses overwhelmed him. 

“Naruto…?” Kakashi’s sleep-heavy voice broke the silence, instantly shattering Naruto’s will to keep quiet. “Are you okay?”

Naruto began to cry. The sound of his quiet weeping, which had woken Kakashi just a moment ago, quickly escalated to uncontrollable sobbing and convulsive gasps. The dam within him had broken. All it took was that simple question which no one had dared to ask until now.

Kakashi knew what was happening, but he also knew that there was nothing he could do to calm him down. He could only wrap his arms around the boy, who opened himself up just enough to cling to Kakashi as the emotions that had been building up inside forced their way out. Kakashi knew that in his arms was someone who was standing at the very edge of a steep cliff, teetering between recovery and despair. He was as fragile as a house of cards moments before a gust of wind.

“Naruto,” Kakashi whispered his name. The boy was so choked up and breathless that he couldn’t reply. Kakashi held him a little tighter. “Take a breath, Naruto.”

Even though it was difficult, Naruto tried to follow Kakashi’s advice. He began to focus on the feeling of the warm, controlled pressure created by the older man’s gentle arms rather than the thoughts racing through his mind. He tried to pace his breathing by resting his forehead against Kakashi’s chest and feeling each slow, steady heartbeat. When Naruto finally relaxed his grip on the other’s body, and once his laboured breathing quieted down, Kakashi loosened his hold. 

“Have you calmed down now?” he asked, absentmindedly combing his fingers through Naruto’s soft blonde hair. When the boy ignored him, he ruffled his hair with one hand and patted his lower back with the other. “Come on, look at sensei.”

Naruto obliged, slowly lifting his head from its resting place on Kakashi’s bare chest to meet his gaze. He could only imagine how pathetic his swollen eyes and flushed face must have looked, yet Kakashi still gazed at him lovingly and without judgement. The man raised his hands to the boy’s face and brushed away his tears with his thumbs. 

“Do you feel better now?”

Naruto softly laughed, catching Kakashi off guard. 

“A little.”

They silently stared at each other, waiting for the other to say something that would make everything okay; words that would put back together the fragile pieces of Naruto’s broken heart. That was when Kakashi was struck by a wonderful idea.

Before Naruto could even process that he had been shoved back onto the bed, Kakashi was on top of him, a small smirk forming on his lips. Naruto jolted as the older man began tickling him. Kakashi’s nimble fingers danced over his thighs and up to his waist, then along his arms and in the crook of his neck until Naruto’s stomach ached and he was crying with laughter. He was at Kakashi’s mercy; he could only helplessly lie beneath him until he was so out of breath that he couldn’t even beg him to stop. Kakashi seemed to be enjoying himself, as he too was smiling from ear to ear. After not hearing it for so long, the boy’s laughter was like birdsong.

When he finally felt satisfied with Naruto’s reaction, Kakashi pulled off of him. He kissed his sweat-coated forehead and the tip of his nose, then each of his flushed cheeks, and finally, his parted lips. Naruto’s body was still tingling from the tickle-attack, but beneath one lingering sensation was another: appreciation. As their mouths parted, he couldn’t help but wonder what he had ever done to deserve the older man’s love. 

“Well, how about now?” Kakashi asked.

“I’m feeling better already.”

Naruto tried to give a genuine smile, but when he saw the remaining hints of concern in Kakashi’s eyes, he cupped his face in his hands and pulled him down for another kiss. After they separated, Naruto stared up at Kakashi in awe. It was that same look he had earlier that morning which sent Kakashi’s heart racing a mile a minute.

“Kakashi-sensei?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

It was unlike Naruto to say it _first_ , let alone say it at all _._ He was usually on the receiving end. Kakashi was caught off guard; Naruto noticed it in his dilating pupils, like black ink dripping into a pool of water. He could practically see the steam coiling out of Kakashi’s ears, but his dumbfounded expression was quickly replaced with a warm smile.

“I love you too.”

Over the course of one morning, Kakashi had successfully done for Naruto what no one else could do in a week; he made him cry and laugh, frown and smile, blush and confess. He made him feel overwhelmed with emotions that, if only for a fleeting few moments, drowned out the deep pain of the gaping hole in his heart. As he gazed up at Kakashi—his teacher, lover, and closest friend—he knew that, eventually, everything would be alright. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Naruto’s chest ached with a feeling that was much more pleasant than heartbreak.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I don't have "followers", but I know that there are a few AO3 readers who have consistently read my works over the years, and for that, I am so very thankful! This is my first work in over 2 years and it has a different tone than any of my other works that have been published on AO3. I tried my best to capture what could be Naruto's developing mental illness in a very raw, realistic light, and I hope that it came across that way!


End file.
